Grant’s Story
Rob and I (Cindy) started dating in 2004, became engaged soulmates in 2006 and were married in 2008. Both loving children and coming from families of four, we knew we wanted a big family! So it was hard to fathom why our family wouldn’t grow right when we wanted it to. It took us almost two years to conceive- and when our first sweet baby girl came into this world two months premature, she had to overcome so many obstacles. Spending 4 months in hospital NICU’s, being discharged with 6 specialists to follow up, a feeding tube which she’d have for over a year, a 24 hour a day cannula for her breathing, and feeding therapies, OT, PT and speech therapies for multiple days a week for the next several years. By God’s grace, she is now a strong teenager with the sweetest spirit. God showed me how much I relied on my strength and knowledge during my year as a first time mama more than any other season of my life! I literally couldn’t properly care for my baby I had longed and prayed for! She needed doctors and specialists and I needed to grow in dependence on God more than I knew.
When God blessed us with a healthy son almost 3 years later, we were overjoyed. They sent us home 24 hours later, instead of 108 days later like with our first! I got to become a first time mama to a healthy baby, all over again. Grant James Dennis Behnke was born on August 18, 2013. Our “little general” was a chunky, healthy, strong, browned eyed magnet of love. And watching this answered prayer be so adored by his big sister, made my heart grow even more than I knew it could! It was hard to get used to no cords, apnea monitors or having multiple weekly appointments. Instead we were graced with open snuggles, tummy time and a simple life at home. At our two month appointment, our pediatrician wanted to send Grant for an x-ray on his skull. I remember the phone call like it was yesterday. She was nervous. She knew everything we endured with Parker and now a major surgery would be on the table. She shared, “Grant has craniosynostosis”. His skull was closing prematurely and needed surgery for his almost 4 month old brain to be able to grow proportionally. I look back on those next two months with such fondness. God indeed maximized our time with Grant giving us concrete memories. While we researched between hospitals, selected surgeons, had pre-op appointments, and booked our rooms by CHOC for Daddy and Parker to stay for the week following the surgery, I was so worried about the week he’d have to spend in the ICU and recovery after the surgery. The surgery to correct craniosynostosis, while intense, has less than 1% fatality rate. Death was nowhere on my radar. My thoughts were more consumed by how what would I do with the drain coming from his head? Would we be in the hospital ICU until Christmas? I had absolutely no idea when I kissed him goodbye as they pulled him off to the O.R. that that would be my last kiss on his head on this side of heaven.
So on December 16th, 2013, we set our alarm for the wee hours to get Grant to his surgery. We had to wake him up and I was so nervous how he would do being woken up and not allowed to eat! Yet, we had the best morning with him. Rob and I played with Grant in his little tiny tiger scrubs. His binky satisfied him, with all the sounds and buzzes of the hospital around us. He was extra cuddly as he started to get sleepy again just as the team prepared to take him off to the O.R. The next couple hours were a blur as we received the update that his surgery was going just as planned. All was well! The surgeon shared that he did need blood but we knew that part of the risk as the surgery included cutting part of the skull. All the family had their blood type checked to see who was a match. Whoever was a match in the family, the hospital would collect their blood to have on hand specifically for this risk. Despite my desperate fear of needles, I was the match (well me and my dad who I inherited the fear of needles from!). It made me feel relieved during the surgery that I had somehow helped his little body. One of the surgeons gave us another great report and shared they were closing up. They’d be done in the next 15-20 minutes! He even noticed that Rob and I were reading Zechariah in the Word, ah “The Lord Remembers”. Minutes later the other surgeon and anesthesiologist came out sharing that Grant was receiving CPR. He had started bleeding when they put the skull back on and was in critical condition. That’s when the “unforeseen complications” during his 4 hour surgery happened and Grant’s little body did not make it.
Shock. Devastation. Confusion. The surgeon and medical team’s teary eyes met ours. We somehow mustered out the words “The Lord gives, the Lord takes away, Blessed be the name of the Lord”... They asked if we wanted to see him. We held his limpless body and cried even harder because this wasn’t supposed to happen. We drove home with an empty car seat to our new reality.
Psalm 40 became my cry in my sleepless nights. I really didn’t know I needed more trust of God, more knowledge of Him and all his attributes- He’s a loving and merciful God to take Grant away from this broken world, just as much as He’s a loving and faithful Father to keep me here to walk with Him through dark valleys and fierce storms, only seeing when my eyes are fixed on Him, do the waves not engulf me. I can be willing to forgive doctors even when my trust was broken.
I know the power of prayer of others is what got me to functioning level some days, and other moments it was just living in that valley and wanting so desperately to get out of it. I know everyone grieves differently. I know about walking through death with my daughter who was three when her baby brother she adored died. Having our daughter Parker was so soothing to my soul, I just kept thanking God my arms weren’t completely empty. And our sweet Parker, she learned the brokenness of this world too well for any little soul. Her innocence was shattered in so many ways, yet completely grounded in others. She has gotten to know Jesus and His plan for pain, when sin and brokenness entered into the world, and how His plan is to save us.
Then, kindness poured over me. From loving friends, our small group, pastors, mentors… we were blessed with Disney passes to take Parker and go “escape” to make new family memories. We received a cleaned house with beautiful scripture sprinkled in every room. I was told to get something for ME to remember my son, so I had a ring with his little green birthstones made into a cross to fit across my finger every day. His happy little face on a necklace was gifted to me to wear around my neck. Rob received a Dodger’s jersey with GRANT across the back and #18. An anonymous envelope full of cash. A trip away to Arizona with friends and our children. Warmed cooked meals and so much more. The love and kindness poured over us was truly incredible.
The kindness came with words, too. We were encouraged to speak the truth… and just like I knew all along but didn’t always want to choose to see…. God does Love Me. He knows my pain, personally. He bottles my tears as the Psalms says. This pain is NOT for nothing. I get to know my God better through this unwanted tragedy. I started to study God’s character again, and all of His attributes. When I got my eyes on who He is, it revealed again His love for me, His unfailing grace for me, past, present and future grace. I realized He wanted my anger. He was saying, Give it to Me. Give Me your questions, your what if’s, my fear of the unknown… and revealing that, He Knows. He is with me. He isn’t leaving. He wants all of me. The sad, the broken, the ugly cry, the rejoicing, He wants ME. And He wants me to trust Him.
Every August 18, we imagine Grant’s infectious smile would've only gotten bigger, his sweet and curious temperament would've only become more fun, and his little body only stronger being able to walk and run.. and though he isn't here, our love for him has grown deeper. We cherish the time God gave us with him and are thankful for the testimony he has been able to give.
I wish I could say that there’s these steps of x-y-z to make grief feel better. But I don’t. I was a mess that first year especially. I was just waiting, waiting to fall asleep every night - that’s when I struggled the most. In the dark, quietness of the night. I always ended up in the O.R. where Grant was having surgery and seeing him die. It was horrible. I was waiting for the autopsy. I was waiting for our April appointment when the medical team and doctors were going to explain what happened. (Then they didn’t and my hope I was feeling and my eternity focused mind turned into anger.. Oh how I battled many times with God now, 4 months later!) I was waiting to get pregnant again. I wanted so badly to get pregnant again. That would make me feel better. I was waiting to feel a glimpse of normal. I was waiting not to cry so much. I was waiting to not be annoyed with other people’s petty “problems”. I had once been such an empathetic friend and I told this to my closest circles, now I struggled with seeing other people’s problems or pain as valid. I wanted to shout, “Get over it!”, what you’re going through is NOT hard!!! I was waiting for the next awful milestone without my son. Christmas, then Easter, and Mother’s Day and the list went on. I hated social media. Seeing everyone else’s happy families, seeing what my holiday was supposed to look like. I waited for the 16th every month, the date he died. My body felt like it just knew it was the 16th, even if I didn’t have a calendar in front of me. It broke from within. I waited to see how God was loving me through this. I, of course, saw how He loved Grant. He took Grant from this world, where he would never experience heartache, rejection, sadness. Grant was completely safe and in the presence of our Maker, where no pain will ever be felt. But me? How did God love ME by taking my son?
Grant keeps giving. Giving us more thirst for His word, more reasons to share our love of Jesus, and more opportunities to choose joy and cultivate the fruit of the Spirit by walking in the Spirit. And if it weren't for Grant's early departure to glory, we wouldn’t have the exact children we have now.
Yes, we miss him every single day and our ache and hole will never fully go away. Yet, we know Grant lived exactly the days ordained for him (Psalm 139:16) and that we as believers can "hold fast the confession of our hope, without wavering, for He who promised is faithful" (Hebrews 10:23).
The Lord gave us four short, yet sweet and meaningful months with Grant before taking him during a surgery to correct his skull. We never expected him to die so young nor want to ever experience that pain again. But we do know our God is a faithful, merciful, loving and kind God that gives and takes away. Blessed be His name!
